BDSM or as some say today "sensation play" often involves inflicting pain in a pleasurable manner. BDSM releases endorphins, creating a sensation somewhat like runner's high or the afterglow of orgasm, sometimes called "subspace", which many find enjoyable. Some use the term "body stress" to describe this physiological sensation. Moreover, the philosopher Edmund Burke defines this sensation of pleasure derived from pain by the word sublime. The regions of the brain that manage sexual stimuli and pain overlap, resulting in some individuals associating pain with sexual pleasure as the neurological reactions are intertwined.

 

Role-Playing and Impermanence of Roles

To return for a moment to the question of BDSM and sexism, one of the most common misconceptions among non-participants of what BDSM is about revolves around the belief that the dominant partner is always and only a man, cruel and nasty, and the submissive partner is always and only a woman -- powerless and servile. While some dominants are men and some submissive are women, that is by no means a given, or even typical. Indeed, BDSM is very often the other way around -- many dominant participants are women, and many submissive men. Each participant has their own opinion of why this is so, of course, but the general consensus seems to be that men, with their constant pressures to never show weakness and always be completely in control, enjoy the opportunity to hand the reins to someone else for a while. Women, on the other hand, denied any opportunity to express our tendencies towards control and dominance, enjoy letting that side out with a trusted partner, where we feel safe in doing so.

In cuckold bdsm is normally customary for the cuck to be force perform bisexual acts, (even though he/she is actually willing to perform it), such as fellatio, oral sex anal sex and Fellatio Autofellatio when possible. See Cuckold Stories

And the most important thing to remember in all of this is that, among BDSM participants, one must never make the assumption that a man is dominant and a woman submissive. Non-participants often make that assumption, but no one who practices BDSM would ever do so. Neither can you assume that a man will be submissive and a woman dominant. The most important thing about BDSM, and the best thing for those who participate in it, is the realization that the sex roles that people play are just that -- roles, and are not set in stone, and have nothing to do with your race, gender, sexuality, religion, ethnicity, or even physical capacity. Many strapping 6' tall men who would intimidate you were you to see them in a dark alley are actually quite submissive. Many women under 5' tall are raging dommes.



BDSM participants understand, perhaps better than anyone since we must confront this fact head-on, that the role you wish to play in sex, and in life itself, has nothing to do with your gender, your sexuality, the color of your skin, the country of origin of your grandparents, or the name of the place of worship you go to once a week, if indeed you go anywhere. And this is purely because of the concept of open discussion and negotiation. (Would that vanilla sex also had the advantage of not making assumptions about each other's wishes, or required open discussion of every act performed before it was done.)



Indeed, it is only people who are not experienced in BDSM who have ever made sexist assumptions about me (personal anecdote warning!). When the topic comes up, in a vague sort of way at some parties with friends, as it sometimes does, that I lean in that direction, it is uniformly the BDSM non-participants who automatically make assumptions about who I am and what I want. Men will begin to treat me like a toy, of course thinking that I am not only submissive, but that I will submit to any man who asks. (This is much the same as the straight person's assumption that a lesbian will be aroused by any woman, and a gay man by any man.) Women will also assume that I am submissive and castigate me for undoing feminism.



If the truth is hinted at (that I am in fact quite dominant), the men often become openly hostile while at the same time fascinated and repulsed. Otherwise, they will act as if I will dominate any man who asks. (They seem to misunderstand the fundamental nature of a dominant woman, which is that I will do what I want to do, and if I'm not attracted to you, it ain't gonna happen.) and the women feel the need to tell me that while they don't like BDSM, that my sexuality is "okay."





In other words -- assumptions and misunderstandings based on ignorance that lead to hostility as well as assumptions that, as members of the majority, they are empowered to give "approval" to anything out of the ordinary -- pretty much the same old story.



On the other hand, when I am discussing my sexuality with other BDSM participants, the mere concept of:



    * making any assumptions about my preferences, or

    * treating me like a wind-up doll



either do not occur or occur with no more frequency than in the world of vanilla sex. As I stated before, BDSM participants know all too well that assumptions about one's sexuality based on gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, etc. are almost always dead wrong.



Of course, this is also the case in non-BDSM sex, but since that is often promoted as the norm, and desirable, there are very few practitioners who ever think about these issues in quite this amount of detail and attention.

BDSM History

Safe, Sane, Consensual is always the motto for this type of role-play.



In 1983 the term "safe, sane and consensual" was first used in a fly er for the Gay Men's SM Association (GMSMA) in New York to describe the types of activities that SM-identified folk were engaging in. The phrase rapidly caught on nation-wide, because it accurately captures the defining aspects of our BDSM interactions. People educate themselves about safety, they distinguish between fantasy and reality, and they negotiate consensual agreements as to the activities they engage in. SSC was never intended to be a dogmatic yardstick for scene behavior. Rather, it reflects the philosophy that adults take responsibility for themselves; they make choices using common sense about risk and safety; and that they do this consensually.



Many of the specific practices in BDSM are those which, if performed in neutral or nonsexual contexts, could be considered unpleasant, undesirable or abusive. For example, while pain, physical restraint and servitude are traditionally inflicted on persons against their will and to their detriment, in BDSM, these activities are engaged in with the mutual consent of the participants, and typically for mutual enjoyment.

 

TERMS